I began the fast in December with strict instructions from God: fruits, vegetables, water. 18 days.
I conquered it like a champ even though it was through the Christmas holidays.
Within a week or so afterward, we found out we were going to have a baby.
We were so excited and so nervous, would this be another miscarriage or would this result in our family being complete? I was so excited to get back into the feel of being pregnant again. I loved being pregnant during my previous two pregnancies.
I had no way of knowing what God had planned for this time.
We decided to wait until the eight-week appointment to get any updates. I was afraid to get too attached to the baby and have it ripped from me once again, so I chose to keep some distance mentally. Little did I know, my body wouldn't be letting me forget I was VERY much pregnant.
By week six, I was a vomiting mess. Throwing up 10-12 times a day. Most nights I ate some fries, maybe tater tots, and couldn't stomach anything more than that.
I firmly remember telling Kevin, "This is going to be the pregnancy that works out or i'm having twins. Something just feels off. I usually enjoy pregnancy, but I'm straight not having a good time."
Then came the time for the eight-week appointment...
Our anxiety was at an all-time high and so was everyone else in the office who has walked this journey with us. Then, the ultrasound tech said, "I bet you weren't expecting to see this today, twins!" and she turned the screen around and I almost fell off the table going, "WHAT!?" Kevin almost fell over trying to run over and see. It was such a beautiful moment. Just to know that not only did we have two babies, but they were both healthy and alive.
Over the next weeks, I battled hard with anxiety. When I say I battled, I mean me, God, and all the trauma that I didn't even know I had, we battled. Thankfully, my PA and the ultrasound techs and nurses all have gotten to know me and my anxious thoughts so everyone kind of encourages me as soon as they see me come in.
Then it came time to battle with "loss weeks", the weeks we previously lost our babies. 9-12 weeks. I had so much anxiety and panic in my head. My PA offered me anxiety medication, but the last thing I wanted was to add on any more medication to our babies than I absolutely had to.
I had nightmares, I had flashbacks, each time I went to the bathroom I looked for blood even though previously I never had any blood. I woke up crying a few times, I even called my doctor's office during a full panic attack to set up an emergency ultrasound after having a dream of a miscarriage and not finding a heartbeat on the doppler.
It was the farthest thing from a joyful, beautiful pregnancy. It was anxiety. It was flashbacks. It unearthed a new trauma I didn't know I had. But at the same time, I had faith God would get us through. I had trust that we were going to end with healthy babies. One minute I would be so excited that this was happening, I would be planning our futures with two little babies, then the next moment be sent into a dark place of "what if's".
It's so easy to tell people not to stress, not to worry, not to fret, but until you're in that situation yourself you truly have no idea how horrible it really is. It feels like a war inside my mind, a good vs. evil type of war.
By 12 weeks, I had calmed down some and was really just curious at that point. What were we having?
Then the DNA results came back. I was cleared for any kind of carrier genes, they were cleared for any kind of syndromes and we found out we were having two fraternal boys.
I won't even lie, I cried a little bit. I just knew we had at least one girl in there. I even went as far to tell the PA I refused to believe the dna until I saw it confirmed on ultrasound, which is actually less reliable than the blood test. LOL. But she knows I'm a little weird like that.
It took a few days for everything to truly sink in. I am a twin mom, but not only that, a twin boy mom. (Even now, at 16 weeks it doesn't feel quite real. Like is this even happening?)
We finally began to settle in with the idea of two boys changing our lives. We began thinking of how life would change once they were here and also we finally began announcing outside of our immediate family and friends.
I think Kevin was ready to accept it and enjoy it all sooner than I was. We were even a little iffy on gender reveals so I told him he could do his family's since he wanted a big blow out one and I would do my family's since I didn't want to really go all out and do something big. Looking back, we probably just should've done one big one because some of my family felt like because I had one for Kevin's family that I should've gone all out for them too. But I truly just wanted something really down low because this is just so anxiety provoking for me and some people just don't get that.
Which is why we waited to announce.
Most people began announcing at 12-13 weeks. Some even earlier. As for us, I didn't actually even want to announce it to the world until they were here. But after a few slip ups and people asking for updates we decided maybe, just maybe we should enjoy this time and announce it. We've been through the wringer and we've decided that no matter what happens, we want to look back and know that we enjoyed this pregnancy, we enjoyed these babies, we enjoyed what God has given to us.
Which brings me to a final thought.
There is no doubt in my mind that God has done this. How else could my body hold two babies at once when it couldn't hold one single baby twice? God heard our prayers, He saw what I was willing to do for these children, and I promised God that I would raise these children up to the best of my ability and for HIM. I'm going to raise them up in a way that they can also raise their own family up for Christ. I give all the glory to God for this.
I'm raising someone's future husbands and maybe even someone's future daddies and I swear I am going to do my best to raise them right so that they can someday make a difference in this world. Even if it is just raising a family, being loyal, raising babies, and following in their own dad's footsteps. That's a huge thing because you never know who you may be raising.
Also, continue praying for us and our boys. We are enjoying each day as it comes, but we will appreciate all the prayers we can get.
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