Junior.

His name was Junior.

We had talked about it being Samuel because I could relate so much to Hannah and because the name means, "God Heard". But my husband had everyone nicknaming our son Junior, it was almost like the baby had some spiritual connection with Kevin. Kevin could speak during an ultrasound and the baby would dance, kick, wave and wiggle beginning at 8 weeks. "What if its a girl?" He would look at me funny and laugh then say, "Okay? She'll be called Junior." So when it was confirmed he was a boy the day I had him, we called him Junior. He had passed away that week inside of me. We still don't know why. Everything was checked and everything came back normal. Even our genetics tests came back normal. Nothing makes sense, but one day I hope we will look back and say, "I get it now."

I flipped through my bible to 1 Samuel. A now yellowed flower lay pressed in between the pages and along the edge of the pages were smaller purple petals. The once white flower was in a bouquet I had placed on his grave. I don't have flowers myself without sharing with our babies. The purple flower petals, they were saved back from the ones we laid in his box that we buried him in. He was surrounded by sunflower fabric, purple flower petals and the inside of the box had farm animal wallpaper glued all the way around it. He was so loved and still is.

The memories evoked from just a simple flower petal are so amazing. It's moments like this that remind me why I enjoy pressing flower petals and hiding them in my books. I miss our babies, but I know in my heart that I will hold them again someday. This time in my arms, not my belly. We may not always understand what God is doing, but the trick is to always have your faith that He knows what He is doing.