Eighteen.
Eighteen weeks.
How have we made it this far? I don't question it, but the shock and surrealness of it all are just breathtaking.
The way my body has changed in such a short time is so strange, yet so exciting. My husband and I shared a moment one night as he stared at my stomach and helped me wash myself. I was so exhausted I couldn't even stand up straight or on my own so I leaned against the shower wall and he helped me as much as he could.
I slowly fluttered my eyes open to see him staring back into my eyes and he was smiling. He said, "I never understood why pregnancy was a beautiful thing, until you were pregnant."
I smiled and laid my head on his chest. Maybe he didn't realize I had remembered it or anything, but it was one of those things that just stick in your head no matter how exhausted you are. The fact that my husband is watching my body change, stretch marks growing across my belly, my thighs getting bigger, my feet swelling, and the exhaustion taking a toll on my entire being and he sees me and this entire process as beautiful, that makes my heart smile.
My birthday is coming up this weekend and it feels so "meh". Twenty-five is the number for this birthday. It's such a cringe, but I'm so thankful for another year to spend with my husband, family, and friends. Life seems to finally be turning around for me and changing into something beautiful instead of something worthy of a good cry. Up until this point, I feel like I've had so much trauma to overshadow the good in life, not even just my own traumas but every trauma that I have sponged inside of myself. But, this is going to be different.
Life is changing so much and so fast, and I am embracing it in every way that I know how.
This week is Infertility Awareness Week, so as we go through this week I am praying for each and every one of you still battling this journey. I feel the anxiety and the stress every day that the infertility journey left on my soul. It is a strange and heartbreaking journey that we do not choose to travel but yet people say it made us stronger, but what choice did we have? Sure, we are strong women on the outside but inside, I don't know about the rest of you but I am plagued with the ruins of who I was before infertility, before loss.
If you're struggling with infertility or miscarriage and you need someone to talk with, don't hesitate to message me. Just because we may not be on the same path right now, doesn't mean I haven't traveled the path.
-Lady of the Farm.
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