Today I went to the doctor and I was supposed to find out what caused my miscarriage back in May but I ended up having to get more bloodwork done. We didn't find out what caused the miscarriage but we did, however, find out just a little bit more of how my body ticks. We found out I have 2 copies of a gene mutation called MTHFR. But I have a milder variant of it so that's good news, I think. The doctor says the form I have wouldn't have caused the problems with pregnancy.
But today, I sat in the waiting room getting upset. All these girls came in and out holding their ultrasound photos, and I missed that. I missed being that girl who walked out smiling while staring at every detail of the photo of my baby. I missed it a lot.
I told Kevin every time I saw an ultrasound flow through the waiting room how much I missed being pregnant, I missed seeing the ultrasounds, I missed getting the news that the baby was fine. I am so glad I was being monitored and got to see the baby every week but I so miss it.
After the doctor visit, when I was letting out the chickens I walked past the area where I had buried the remains of the baby. There was a bright orange butterfly flying around that area. Here's the crazy part, I've seen butterflies maybe once or twice since I've lived on the farm. This beautiful butterfly sat on a plant, I placed my hand closer to it and the butterfly crawled onto my hand. I held it up at eye level in disbelief that this butterfly was so friendly with me.
The butterfly flew off my hand and flew up in the air around me and then back to my fingertips. It continued to fly up, circle me and then land back on my hand about 4 or 5 times, then it flew away. It was so amazing. I told Kevin I felt like that may have been our baby having a visit to us. At least, it helps to think that way.
I was trying to look up what kind of butterfly it was because it wasn't a monarch. It was solid orange (A Julia Heliconian Butterfly) and as I was researching I found a thing that said if an orange butterfly lands on you or flies around you, joy is to come. I pray that's true.
Kevin asked me why I didn't take a photo. I wish I had, I left my phone inside and went out there. I wish I could've taken a photo of that beautiful butterfly.
After I had the miscarriage I prayed to God day and night to give me some sort of comfort and one night, I heard a voice inside me say, "God does not give stories to those who will not tell them." So, here's me continuing to talk about my first child.
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