Today was one of those days, full of unexplained sadness. It's not postpartum depression, unless of course I had postpartum long before I was ever pregnant. The farmer has already asked me if this was what postpartum depression was like and all I could think was I don't feel depressed. I've been depressed, this isn't it. This is just sad.
I think it's just trauma. My life trauma just all silenty sitting in my mind and then one day I wake up with a broken heart. It happens every so often. I cry a little bit and then I feel better.
Today I don't know what triggered it. I dreamed all night, so maybe I was tired. I dreamed I was driving our ranger down dirt roads and everywhere I went there was a dead end.
Maybe I feel a little discouraged with my business. I can't just go and sell anymore. I have to have a whole day plan with multiple people playing roles in the day and it's just too hard to organize. Plus, I hate leaving the boys. Once I get out and going, I feel great. But it's the mom guilt I guess of leaving them. So, I'm really just relying on my facebook & website to sell my items.
I had a dream I was shopping for shoes too. I was looking for the boys some cowboy boots. The store clerk seemed nice so we got to talking about how I had wanting baby cowboy boots. He told me he had something for me in the back and he brought out a pair of size 7 coverses like I wore when I was younger. I have been wanting a pair in real life so maybe my dream was telling me I need to do something for myself. I don't really know.
When I get some money saved up I plan on buying a few things that will kind of be like a therapy for me. I'm going to buy some soap making materials and make some soap lol. I know, it's weird. But I feel like it'll be kind of a productive therapy. I'm going to mix in goats milk as a base, then add oatmeal, breastmilk, & honey and use it to bathe the boys. It'll waste less breastmilk than pouring it directly in their baths. So I think I will try it at least. I thought using breastmilk to bathe babies in was crazy until I tried it when Colt had a raw booty. It cleared up by the next morning after the milk bath. I put it on a scratch on their faces. It'll heal their faces by the next morning. It's amazing. I'm no longer breastfeeding because of their allergies but I am still pumping to get a good supply of breastmilk up just for their skin and remedies. This stuff really is gold. Maybe that'll be another post for next week.
-Lady of the Farm.
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