I woke up on the morning of May 29th, 2019. I had an ultrasound later that morning and I was even more anxious than usual. I told my husband of a dream I had just woken up from. In the dream, I was on the table and she pulled the ultrasound wand out of me and said, "I'm so sorry, but there's no heartbeat." That's when I woke up.
I told him and some friends of the dream and they all did what friends and family should do and they comforted me, "It was just a dream, it's okay."
A few hours later, I sat on the table in the ultrasound room. I noticed she was taking an abnormally long time to turn the screen to me. I watched the sparkle leave her eyes and I knew something was wrong. She didn't want to be the one to tell me, but I knew. She pulled the wand out and said, "You can get dressed now." I got dressed and my heart shattered. I knew what was wrong. The baby was gone. After what seemed like forever of being told the baby's heart had just stopped and it was not my fault, we finally left and we sat in the car sobbing. I finally looked up and said, "Take me home Kevin."
That night, after everything settled down and our friends and family all left Kevin curled up on the couch with me and said, "You felt like it was a girl, right? Well, what are we going to name her?" I looked down at my belly and placed my hand on it. "Miracle." He looked over and said, "Precious." I smiled, "Precious Miracle Walker?" He nodded, "Yep. That's her name."
We went back a few days later to confirm she was gone and I asked for one last photo of her. In the photo, all that you can really see is her glowing little heart that is quite literally in the shape of a heart.
After about three to four days, I had to take suppositories to get her out, my body didn't want to let go of her. My body didn't even realize it was carrying the corpse of our child. After seven hours of contractions & a lot of blood loss, I finally had a little tiny gummy bear baby. She was so tiny, almost the size of half a thumb, but she made such a huge impact on our lives in such a short time.
The next few months were dark.
People who had never been through miscarriage were horrible to me. Some intentionally rubbed their babies in my face, some rubbed their baby bumps a little more when I was around and some just said awful things that hurt. Which is why I decided to be more open about miscarriage and infertility. It hurts and if you've never been through that pain, it's hard to truly understand. It's not your fault, it's just how God wired us.
After burying her, we began to notice something, more and more butterflies were attracted to us. Above her grave, a butterfly landed on me then circled me. A butterfly caught a ride on my shirt when I was walking down the road with a neighbor. A butterfly cacoon ended up just steps from Junior's grave after I said I wish we had buried them beside each other. A butterfly circled me on the one year anniversary of her death.
Flash forward to May 29th, 2020.
It's been a year since our sweet baby passed away. I went on Facebook and there was the post in my memories, "Today has been the worst day of my life." I sighed knowing, today was the day. I relived that horrible day so many times that morning. I thought about how big she would've been by now. (Her due date had been January 2nd, 2020.) She would've been almost six months old. I thought about posting something on Facebook, but in the end, I decided not to because I just didn't want the sympathy nor did I have the energy. They say, a mother never forgets how old her babies would've been when they've passed away and that's so true. We sit there and think, "It's been a year, she would've been this old. It's been two months, he would've been hitting these milestones. Her due date is coming up in three weeks, I would've been this big and getting ready by doing this." It's hard not to think about the would've been moments. So there I was sitting in Waycross at our stand at the farmer's market, I was numb but still trying to keep a smile on my face when a message came through my phone. "My hubby is going to stop by with a box for you. You are not to open it until you are heading home. Promise? If you open it before then,you will let the fairies out and all the magic will be gone." It was the same lady who had sent me handmade babies when both of our children passed away. She always seemed to have the best timing. I was so curious and so excited, it turned my entire mood in another direction. I tried to sell out all day and then when 6:00 arrived, I piled everything into the truck. We hadn't even made it out of the parking lot when I opened the box to see the most incredibly made reborn baby doll staring back at me. Swaddled in a butterfly blanket. She had no clue that my sign Precious is near is butterflies and she had no clue that it was the anniversary of her death. This woman, I swear she is in tune with God or she is an angel. She gives all the glory to God but I applaud her for letting God prove to me that He is still there by working through her. She asked what I wanted to name the baby and in my mind, there was no question of what she would be named. We lost our baby that day last year, we lost a little bit of our hearts. But on the one year mark of losing our child, we got a sweet huggable reminder that she is still near us. Also, can we just like marvel at how realistic this baby looks??
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